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How did you first become interested in the psychology of romantic relationships?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Back when I was an undergraduate student I had a very inspiring teacher in a module on interpersonal relationships, which first sparked my interest in this topic: in some ways I was positively surprised that researchers actually study relationships! It\u2019s a topic that may seem more based on intuition and not very tangible, but I think that this makes it particularly challenging to study relationships: they\u2019re incredibly complex and difficult to disentangle. I learned that we can quantify relationship phenomena and make the study of romance tangible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But my conviction in studying relationships truly took off when I learned about the profound impact that the quality of people\u2019s relationships has on their health, wellbeing, and even their survival, so how long we\u2019ll live! I care about understanding and promoting people\u2019s wellbeing, and studying relationships\u2014in particular romantic relationships\u2014is a powerful tool in doing so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What have been your most surprising research findings on romance to date?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I study how romantic couples navigate conflicts of interest, when they have different needs or preferences. For example, partners may have different preferences for what to have for dinner, which movie to watch, what their next holiday destination should be, or where to live. To resolve such conflicts, one partner may decide to sacrifice their own preference, for example by watching the movie that their partner preferred or even move to a different country to support a partner\u2019s job opportunity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the questions I\u2019ve asked is how well romantic partners perceive each other\u2019s sacrifices in their daily lives and how their perceptions in turn impact their relationship. In two diary studies, my collaborators and I asked each partner every day at the end of the day whether they had made a sacrifice for their partner and whether their partner had made a sacrifice for them, so I could directly compare partners\u2019 accounts of what happened that day. I didn\u2019t think that partners\u2019 reports would perfectly align, but I was definitely surprised to find that in both studies partners only detected half of each other\u2019s sacrifices!<\/p>\n\n\n\n This work also showed the impact that perceiving versus missing a partner\u2019s sacrifice may have: people feel a boost in gratitude towards their partner and are more likely to then also express that gratitude to their partner, resulting in both partners feeling happier in the relationship. On the flipside, not recognizing each other\u2019s sacrifices makes the recipient miss out on that gratitude boost and leaves the sacrificing partner feel unappreciated and dissatisfied\u2014after all, they tried to support their partner\u2019s wishes at a personal cost but didn\u2019t receive any appreciation for this. So next time when you think that maybe<\/em> your partner did something nice for you, giving them the benefit of the doubt could boost yours and your partner\u2019s happiness in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n More broadly, this work illustrates the large inaccuracies with which relationship partners perceive each other and has made me believe that there is not one truth that defines a relationship. Partners each have their own experiences of a relationship\u2014in some ways we share our lives but in separate worlds. And this doesn\u2019t get better with time. In fact, while we don\u2019t get more accurate in reading a relationship partner\u2019s thoughts, motivations and behaviours, people often think they do! As a result, our perceptions become more driven by assumptions and we may fail to check in about what a partner is actually experiencing. <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Valentine\u2019s day \u2013 people either love it or hate it \u2013 why do you think this is?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I think that Valentine\u2019s Day\u2014a day on which we\u2019re told to celebrate love\u2014puts up a mirror and whether we like or hate its reflection may depend on whether we like what we see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being in a wonderful relationship, completely in love, surely will make this day a lot more enjoyable than when we\u2019re involuntary single, or when a relationship is not going so well. It may also be especially hard for people who are in the middle of processing a romantic break-up \u2013 which can hurt in a way that mimics physical pain, so it cuts on a deep level. Valentine\u2019s may be a painful reminder of what one just lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Personally, I think traditions like Valentine\u2019s Day and more broadly how relationships are portrayed in pop culture may unfairly make people believe that they need to be in a relationship, to be in a perfect relationship, and for that relationship to be perfect all the time. That simply doesn\u2019t align with reality and by setting the bar so high it\u2019s easy to fall short of expectations. Why buy flowers on Valentine\u2019s Day, paying premium, when you could spontaneously surprise a loved one at any point in time? Positive surprises tend to be more appreciated anyways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That being said, we could see days like this just as an opportunity to celebrate what we have, just like we do with birthdays and other anniversaries. Relationships easily get into routines and I think that reminders to take a pause and appreciate what we have should always be welcomed\u2014but perhaps in a way that is authentic to oneself, on people\u2019s own terms. And why limit this appreciation to a romantic partner when we could be celebrating any<\/em> loved ones in our lives? Yes, romantic partners can profoundly benefit our wellbeing, but so can other close relationships. What matters is that people feel socially connected\u2014having people in their lives who they feel close to, can turn to for support, and can enjoy life with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What are your future plans for research and public engagement work?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In my future work, I aim to dive deeper into couples\u2019 navigation of larger sacrifices, such as when one partner supports the other\u2019s wish to move to a different city or even country to support their career ambitions. I also aim to look at larger sacrifices stemming from cultural values and lifestyles, such as learning a new language, giving up eating certain foods, or adapting to family traditions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One reason why I aim to understand such larger sacrifices is because I think that\u2014while they may be especially costly\u2014they may also provide unique opportunities to gain new experiences, learn new things about a partner, ourselves, and the world we live in. The novelty and variety that this may bring can spark experiences of personal growth (often called \u201cself-expansion\u201d), which is a key ingredient to keeping relationships satisfying. I aim to uncover how<\/em> we can benefit such process in the context of sacrifices; turning an adversity into an opportunity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another reason why I aim to better understand couples\u2019 resolution of cultural differences is because I wonder if by learning to engage with each other\u2019s differences at home\u2014a context in which we may be most motivated to do so\u2014we may promote our tolerance and openness to engage with differences in society at large. My hope is that such insights may contribute to combatting polarization and promote integration and mutual inspiration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To disseminate insights, I love giving talks to general audiences in which I reflect on ways to maintain satisfying relationships, such as maintaining a healthy balance between personal and relationship needs, being responsive to each other\u2019s needs and expressing gratitude, and engaging in novel activities that spark excitement and personal growth. In the future I would also like to do more specific consultancy work, giving scientifically-grounded relationship advice, which I think is especially important given that there\u2019s so much un<\/em>scientific relationship advice circling around. I would also like to learn more from people\u2019s own experiences and use this as inspiration for my future work, so a more bottom-up approach to address important questions about relationships that matter to people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mariko Visserman recently joined the School of Psychology at Sussex after obtaining her PhD in The Netherlands and working as a Postdoctoral Researcher and Lecturer in Canada. You can find out more about Mariko\u2019s work from her <\/em>Sussex profile<\/em><\/a> and her website <\/em>www.marikovisserman.com<\/em><\/a> which also includes media articles and infographics illustrating her work.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" On traditionally the most romantic day of the year we couldn\u2019t resist the opportunity to put a few questions to social psychologist and romantic relationships expert, Dr Mariko Visserman who recently joined us at Sussex. In this Blog, Mariko shares…<\/span><\/p>\n
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