![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/blogs.sussex.ac.uk\/psychology\/files\/2023\/06\/yellow-and-blue-graphic-2-1.png?ssl=1\")
<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\nI talk to strangers. Even on the Tube. I have had loads of pleasant chats and, of course, a few awkward ones. I\u2019ve benefitted <\/a>from some of these conversations, learning new things and getting helpful advice and recommendations. Even when the conversations are just average, they add up, and make me feel more trust and less fear towards others. Research shows that talking to strangers can improve our mood<\/a> and make us feel more connected<\/a>. So why don\u2019t we talk to each other more often? Maybe we\u2019re not convinced that we know how to do it. The good news is that it\u2019s not as hard as you think, and you\u2019re probably already better at it than you know!<\/p>\n\n\n\n First things first: starting a conversation. There are lots of ways to do this, and I urge you to experiment. First, you can comment on your shared situation, including the old classics: the weather, the traffic. This may seem trite, but you just need a way to connect, before you can move on to other, more interesting topics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another option is to start with a compliment. It\u2019s fun to deliver compliments, and fun to receive compliments, especially from a stranger. Compliments seem easier to believe when they come from someone who doesn\u2019t know you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Use your observational skills and tap into your curiosity to ask questions, or ask for advice<\/a>. I\u2019ve asked people why they were wearing airplane earrings, where they were travelling to with their suitcase, what book they were reading\u2026 Often I combine observation with humour. I once commented on a young man\u2019s \u201cbreakfast of champions\u201d (a packet of biscuits), and I asked two Freemasons wearing matching striped trousers if they had consulted each other on their wardrobe choices that morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that the conversation is rolling, some of the same strategies will help you keep it flowing smoothly: comment on things you have in common, and exercise your observational skills and curiosity. People like it when you ask follow-up questions<\/a>, because it demonstrates that you are listening deeply, rather than just thinking of what to say next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might consider disclosing something about yourself, which demonstrates trust and encourages reciprocation. I once started a conversation with a lady on the Tube by asking her how her day had been going so far. She gave a non-committal response, and I thought the conversation might be over (not all conversations are successful.) Then she asked me the same question, and I told her that I had had an adventure (being interviewed on BBC Radio 4!) In return, she confided in me that she had just found out she was pregnant! She felt safe telling a stranger on the Tube, who she would never see again. I felt so honoured! Hugs were exchanged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, it\u2019s important to be patient. You will likely surprise people by talking to them, and it may take them a while to adjust to the idea that you\u2019re just being friendly. Keep going, and most of the time you\u2019ll manage to get into a groove.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No conversation can last forever, so when it\u2019s time for you to move on, you need to figure out how to end the conversation. I\u2019ve run several How to Talk to Strangers workshops<\/a>, and although attendees easily come up with loads of ways to start conversations, they struggle to come up with ways to end them without lying (or inventing unnecessary trips to the loo). Maybe that\u2019s why people don\u2019t talk to the person next to them on the airplane until 15 minutes before it lands, when an ending is guaranteed? Research <\/a>confirms the challenge: conversations almost never end at a time when both parties want it to end. My best advice: Keep it simple. When you\u2019re ready to move on, just tell the other person that it\u2019s time for you to be on your way, and that you\u2019ve enjoyed the chat (which I\u2019m sure you will!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n If all this talk of starting, maintaining, and ending conversations makes chatting sound like a lot of work, don\u2019t worry! Like most skills, social skills can be learned and developed. I consider my Dad a world expert in talking to strangers, but his secondary school classmates say he was quite introverted back in the day. I don\u2019t consider myself particularly extraverted, and would rather sit on the couch with my cats and a good book instead of going to a party. But once I started talking to strangers, I realized how much fun it could be, and I started doing it more often, and getting better at it. In a recent research study, my colleagues Erica Boothby<\/a>, Gus Cooney<\/a>, and I asked participants to talk to at least one new person every day for a week. At the end of the week, many of our participants admitted that talking to strangers was easier than they thought: \u201cI can honestly say that I\u2019m not nearly as shy as I thought! This experiment allowed me to really push out of my comfort zone and take the initiative when talking to people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not only will you start to feel more comfortable with practice, but you\u2019re probably already better at it than you think you are. If you\u2019re like most people, after chatting to a stranger you can\u2019t help but wonder what they thought about you, and your conversation. It turns out that people generally underestimate how much others like them<\/a>. Research finds evidence for this \u201cliking gap<\/a>\u201d before an upcoming chat to a stranger, after a chat to a stranger (whether it be short or long), and even after living with a flatmate for several months.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, \u201cstranger danger\u201d norms are prevalent, so sometimes people won\u2019t want to talk to you. This happens a LOT less often than you would think. In our week-long study, participants said: \u201cI was worried people would prefer to be left alone, but that was never the case\u201d, and \u201cI was never turned down by anyone.\u201d If someone doesn\u2019t want to talk, remember that they may be nervous too, or reading a really good book, or caught up in their own personal drama\u2026 Their reaction is not necessarily a judgment of you and your overture. Respect their decision, and when you try again, you\u2019ll find plenty of people who are more receptive and appreciative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why not be brave, and start a conversation with someone? You\u2019re more capable than you think, and both of you are likely to enjoy it more than you expect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gillian Sandstrom is a Senior Lecturer in the Psychology of Kindness at the University of Sussex. Gillian\u2019s research examines the barriers that prevent people from connecting. Her research has focused especially on the fears that make people worry about talking to strangers, which she views as an act\u00a0of kindness.\u00a0See Gillian\u2019s Sussex\u00a0<\/em>profile<\/em><\/a>\u00a0to find out more about her research at Sussex.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Dr Gillian Sandstrom To mark Loneliness Awareness Week, Sussex Psychologist Gillian Sandstrom shares her research findings on the importance of connecting with strangers for our happiness and well-being. I talk to strangers. Even on the Tube. I have had…<\/span><\/p>\n
\n\n\n\n<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n